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I'll probably go back to that someday. It's good to have money, for lots of reasons. But for now, there are more important things.I caught myself staring at my husband, unconsciously rubbing my expanding belly under my sweatshirt. He was just setting down the grilled cheese sandwich he'd made for Emma, our youngest. Youngest for now, at least. She was wiggling in her booster seat and reaching for it as he cut it in half, diagonally. She squealed when she got her hands on it. Apparently mashing the bread in her fists was the thrill of a lifetime.Ben, a couple years older, was studiously taking bites from his own sandwich all around the outside. Around and around it went in his hands, getting smaller and smaller. I saw that he had also bitten each of his baby carrots in half. The little guy likes symmetry, a lot like his father.Seeing my husband with them made all my womanly instincts dance with joy. To be loved and to love in return. To be safe and happy. To have another life growing. I handed her the drawing. I had taken a school photo of Leah from the living room and recreated it in black and white. She stared at the drawing for a long time without saying a word, my panic rising with every silent second. I saw small drops forming in the corners of her eyes and saw my own doom. I imagined her bursting into tears and screaming as she through the drawing at me. The insuring calamity would be just as nightmarish as the dirtiest war zones. This is how you see me? She whispered just barely audible. He eyes blinked rapidly as she forced the tears away and then looked straight into my eyes. They locked and even though I said nothing I think she read what I was feeling. Its beautiful, thank you. Its only a drawing of you, your what is beautiful. I replied my voice trying to crack. Her smile was like sunshine! I wish you didnt live so far away, youre the kind of boyfriend I want. What about Carl? I replied Ha! Carl isnt really my boyfriend. He and I came up with this.
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